Am I The Red Flag? Am I The Drama?

 

This post was inspired by one of my favorite podcasts Do You F*****g Mind? by Alexis Fernandez. If you’d like to listen to it head on over to Spotify.

I like to listen to whenever I need some direction in my life. Or when I am just down and need some uplifting. Her quirky, welcoming personality and piercing truth always resonate with me. She’s a whole mood. I know how cringy and corny that sounds but I love her!

In the episode she talked about red flags from YOUR perspective and gave actionable tools on how one can improve how one react or respond to things in relationships. And how if you were to work on this it’ll help you to strengthen your bond with friends, family and even your partner.

I am NOT the red flag. And here is why:

I do not compete with other people’s pain. I never overplay being the victim. Even though I have been through some of the most painful and traumatic things in my life. For instance, I lost my both my parents at a very young age. I was raped when I was 14 years old. I was battling with depression for a whole year. I have had my heartbroken. I sometimes do feel like my situation was worse compared to other people’s painful stories and experiences I have heard of, but I never compete with their pain or try to make that person feel less worthy of their pain.

Simply because I don’t not want to devalue that person. I know we all have a different threshold of what pain is to you, whether it is emotional pain or physical pain, so that person might disagree with and say “well I think my pain was worse than yours” we all perceive emotional situations differently. For example, let’s say a friend is going through a breakup and you say to them that their breakup is so much easier and yours was terrible and worse than theirs that’s competing with someone else’s pain. This will lead to your friend being less motivated to open to you in the future.

I never bring up extraneous things from the past to fortify an argument so I can make someone feel embarrassed or guilty. If there is an argument, I do not bring up what someone past to help me in an argument. Holding someone’s past against them to use it in argument because you feel like you are “losing” the argument is just toxic. Because you are kind of derailing the situation.

I never character assassinate someone when we are having an argument or disagreement. That is just unhealthy, toxic and I would say it might as well be verbal and emotional abuse. Instead, what I do is I stick to the facts of what was being done and spoke. If you are name calling and saying things such as “you are fucked up in the head” and “you are this and that” THAT IS CHARACTER ASSASSINATION, because you literally belittling that person and you are attacking things of who they are, and not what they did or said. Something that is specific to their action that have caused you to be upset. If you do this, you are the red flag. Your capability to have a rich conversion gets killed if you are doing that.

I do not get offended when we someone brings up something that I did in the past, that he or she were not happy with. Now when this happens, I like to talk about it immediately and make it a conversation with that person, that brought it up. Because it is then clear to me that this person was not happy with what I did. In this instance I will get the opportunity to tell them listen therefore I did that. I do not shut that person off just because I am offended or punish them for opening to me and being vulnerable. So, if you do this then that is another red flag.

You must create an open space with your partner, friends and family where they feel comfortable if their being respectful, where they feel comfortable to raise issues with you. That is the only way you are going to get close to someone and it’s the only way you will truly have a successful relationship. If you can humbly pull each other up on things and have civilized discussions about it.

I do not “MILK” the opportunity when someone has done something wrong to me, when my partner for example has done something wrong to me. I don't see how much I can get from them. By making them beg for my forgiveness. That idea of I suffered now you should suffer too. That’s a problem.  If the issue is not resolved. And you are in the position where you want your partner or friend to beg for your forgiveness.

You need to talk about it. You need stop and talk about it and say I am not happy with these things maybe the reason why I am so upset is because I think you are going to do it again. You should never aim to be in a position of power over your partner instead, like I said that about it!

Lastly, the next reason why I am not the red flag is because I do not check up on my partners as far as their devices or stalking them online seeing if they are where they said they will be. Or making them give me a detailed outline of what they do with their day, with who? Where? That is not fair. I allow my partner to live their life, because he or she might have changed his mind about his plans and that does not mean that their lying.

People are entitled to change their minds. I allow them to have spontaneity and freedom in their life. He or she is allowed to have a life that is outside of me. If you are so terrified that your partner is going to do something where they are cheating on you or their lying. Then there is other underlying problems you have. And you need to address it. If you constantly must check up on them because you don’t trust them for no good reason. Then that is a red flag. YOU are the drama in this situation and vice versa.

I could go on and on, on how I am not the red flag. But I hope these help you to see whether you are the red flag. Or the drama in relationships. I hope these tips will help you, work on yourself and your relationships.

Hopefully you have found this helpful or interesting and maybe you can pass this on to someone else. Or even pass it on to your partner if they are the red flags. With any luck you have found this a little bit entertaining too. Anyway, love you all so much. And see you tomorrow for another topic.

See you in my next post! Love Peacock.