My biggest fear was always that people would see me the way I see myself.
And how do I see myself? As ugly, skinny and unattractive. I repeatedly look at myself in the mirror. Hoping that the next time I look, something has changed my nose looks narrow (leptorrhine), brushing my eyebrows up for a more thicker looking brows, I worry so much about my imperfections that it led to my mild depression. I call myself ugly in front of friends just so they can tell me, that I am not. I always seeks their approval because it makes me feel less hideous in that moment. I have this weird thing I do whenever I enter a building I have to use the bathroom or restroom so I could go look at myself in the mirror. My friends thought it was because I just like other peoples bathrooms, but there is not the reason. I have body dysmorphic disorder and that is why I do it. Just saying that out loud and sharing it with you makes me feels embarrassed and ashamed, but I am finally ready to share my story.
Before we start I want you to understand the difference between body dysmorphia, self-esteem, and negative body image. Body dysmorphic disorder , unlike body image disturbance, is when you are struggling with an overemphasis on a specific body part or shape. Body image refers totally to how people see themselves. Body dysmorphia is an anxiety disorder, more specifically its a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Uncontrollable, obsessive thoughts characterize it. I believe like so many other mental disorder it cannot be cured. It can be only treated.
I wrote a blog post earlier this week about my obsessions' with Facetune and my endless pursuit for physical perfection. And I decided why not dive deeper into why my fixation with a certain face editing app and me being perfect all begun. A year ago I went see a psychologist that was referred to me by the school and my doctor. When I started to have chest pains from anxiety, she suggested I talk to someone about what make me so anxious and she taught me to do breathing exercises. I had so many problems to deal with, personal issues from home including my other responsibility as a full-time student.
It was stressful for me and all of that stress and anger took a toll on my physical and emotional well-being. It was also the time when my obsession with Facetune started. And I wanted to be perfect, because I thought if I was at least beautiful the world would be less cruel to me. How stupid of me right? I think that even the beautiful and attractive people have their fair share of cruelty that life has to offer. I started to lose a lot of weight. I know you all think that I have always been skinny, Yes, that is true. But even a skinny person knows when they are getting skinnier. But that is not my biggest problem. My biggest problem is that I have a disorder that I feel like sometimes I have no control over. And it makes me miserable.
I didn't even know body dysmorphia disorder existed. I didn't even know that I had BDD until I started to become less secretive about my feelings and symptoms and told my psychologist. I was so embarrassed and he just sat there and listened to me rumbling on and on, It was when I said " I think I have a big, fat nose" and he softly uttered. "Do you know what body dysmorphic disorder is?" I replied "No, is it a sleeping disorder?"
He said that the disorder go unnoticed for years and most people with body dysmorphic disorder do not even receive a diagnosis. And he confirm that I did indeed have it, and he will help me not cure me because it can not be cured but only treated. I left that psychologists office confused, scared and relieve at the same time I was so anxious to go read up on what this disorder that I was just diagnosed with was precisely. I never received any treatment because I felt like I don't need it. And I realize now I should've kept going to my sessions maybe we would not be here talking about a disorder that is slowly taking over my life.
I only went to see the psychologists because my doctor prescribed it, and to talk about my anxiety. And now I was diagnosed with a disorder. To be genuine I was mortified. One week later for our next session, I came up with an excuse not to attend because I was so afraid that he will diagnose me with more disorders or even something worse. I did some research and came to the conclusion that it wasn't the end of the world and that we all have our struggles, and I have to fight mine with everything I had. And I am still fighting it. I am so overly preoccupied with my flaws in my appearance that I spend hours each day obsessively thinking about my nose and how I am going to fix it.
It was not until I turned 22, during the autumn of my senior year at varsity, that I confessed to my close friend about my diagnoses and how much I hated my appearance, especially my nose. I told her that I didn't want to get married and have children, in case they ended up having my fat, ugly nose. I also told my friend that as soon as I make enough money that I will have plastic surgery (rhinoplasty) to have my nose 'corrected" by making it more slender and appear more narrow. But I am afraid what if after the surgery, I will still hate my nose, since that it will be a new appearance. I am scared that I will feel guilty if the surgery does not help me feel better about myself.
Throughout varsity I was a good student, though I struggled with my feelings of low self-esteem and mild depression. My grades enabled me to graduate, though I would have preferred a cum laude. After varsity, I moved back to my hometown. Out of the big city, and I found it extremely stressful being on my own for the first time. Because here I have nothing to do, I am currently unemployed and that is a topic for another day. I had a fling awhile back just to shift my attention to something else, and when it didn't work out. I felt stressed and emotionally abandoned and this caused my symptoms to worsen. I spend hours in the morning and evening staring at my face in the mirror, looking at the pores on my nose and face, and picking my skin. Washing it, using new products to fix the scars I caused from picking my skin. I remember crying when I was rejected by someone I had a crush on because I was convinced it was because of how I looked.
Now one year later I still deal with this disorder and I don't know how to talk about it. And where to get treatment, because after the phycologists diagnosed me I ran because I was so afraid that I might get admitted into a psych ward or something. I did find the courage to write about it, which makes things a little easier. I still agonize about my appearance, and I am not at peace with how I look. My relationship with my body is not improving. I never enjoyed my physical self, and I am ashamed of how I look. I still have so many childhood fears and I need psychological help. I can recognize that I need help and for me that's a start.
My symptoms only worsens when I am under a lot of stress and anxiety. I am trying to find coping mechanisms to keep my symptoms under control, such as only having one mirror in my flat. Also, I spent less time getting ready in the morning. If I find myself staring at my nose or body I leave the room to go for a walk. I have been walking and jogging for months now. And this has helped me with my anxiety too. I will really never like the way my nose, face and body looks. I am trying to accept that. That it is okay. I am not my nose. Or my body.
I want the quality of my life to dramatically improve. I want to appreciate myself in ways that are impossible now as I am obsessed with hating my appearance. I want my life to be focused on my family and friends, my relationship and my passion for fashion design. I want to move from being a victim to this debilitating disorder to becoming an advocate for those who is seeking hope for recovery. I just want to be normal. But what's normal anyway?
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